January 31

Grief is this very difficult thing that is hard understand and even harder to fit into your schedule.  It becomes such an opportunity to carefully evaluate any selfishness or bitterness or sharp corners that need to be sanded down.  The day we found out that Red had passed was one filled with great grief and many blessings all at once.  The days that have passed sense have seemed harder to navigate.  All of the things we had put off in order to take time came creeping up while the feeling of loss seemed to become more real.  We are all sensing Red with us and remembering the routines and places where we crossed paths with him throughout the day.  Yesterday I sat with Carter for longer than I really wanted during a time when he needed me most.  It made me think hard about how I spend my time and all the ways my kids may need me more than I’ve allowed.  A few of my sharp corners were sanded down and for that I’m thankful.

Oh the stories my kids will tell when they are all grown up.  “When I was a kid I grew up on a farm eating that food.  We’d have farmers come stay with us that told stories about leaving their previous life in the big city to come back to Kentucky to grow sorghum or traveling each summer to Alaska to catch salmon.  Stories of hard work, passion, and love that inspired my mom and dad in new ways each and every time.  Our home was filled with people who wanted to work together for the common good of those in our community.  We volunteered our time at the farmers market working on the building or marketing the vendors or advocating for their rights and we laid hands on one another in prayer that our efforts may be blessed and prosperous for all.  We learned how hard and complex and difficult choosing to follow your dream really is, but it always seemed worth it.”  Makes me wonder how each of them will grow up and choose to spend their time.